Funny Limericks For Everyone

Another one from Briony

There once was a frog named Fine
Who liked to sit on a chime
He slipped in the pond
Because his friend James Bond
And now he is stuck in the pine

Thank you Briony for submitting this

A dentist named Archibold Ross
Was in love with a lady, Miss Moss
When they first got together
He did not know whether
He could call her his dental floss

There was a young man from Rangoon
Used to sing by the light of the moon
This the people enjoyed
But his singing annoyed
A very ferocious baboon

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

While quietly eating a tart
A very loud noise made me start
But I didn’t worry
Twas Edwina Currie
Selling eggs from her old horse and cart

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

While drinking a cup of Darjeeling
I noticed it started congealing
It set like meringue
Then went off with a bang
I’m still scraping it off of the ceiling

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

Whilst playing a game of canasta
The hostess cooked up some hot pasta
Which she tipped on my head
And then quietly said
“How’s that for an albino Rasta”

Her teeth were so beautiful and white
As the stars that sparkled so bright
Although they were pretty
It seemed such a pity
Like the stars they came out at night

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

There was a young man from Lenor
Whose limericks stopped at line four
“I’ve tried and I’ve tried
To finish he cried”

There was a young man from Dundee
Whose limericks stopped at line three
Because he got bored

There was a young lady from Crewe
Whose limericks stopped at line two

There was a young lady from Trun

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

There once was an old man called Stratton
Who went into church with his hat on.
“If I wake up,” he said,
“With my hat on my head,
I will know that it hasn’t been sat on.”

There was a young lady from Ickenham
Who went on a bus-trip to Twickenham
She drank too much beer
Which made her feel queer
So she took off her boots and was sick-in-’em

Things that go ‘bump’ in the night
Should not really give one a fright
It’s the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear
That, and the absence of light!

Spike Milligan

There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
She found them so nice
But she ate too much spice
And has pickled her internal workin’s

A wonderful cook is young Betty
Preparing delicious spaghetti
And chicken Madras
I could go for the lass
If she didn’t resemble a yeti

There was a young man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright
In the dead of the night
To find that his dream had come true

“May I ask if you’d like the next dance?”
Said the man with the curious stance
But the girl shook her head
And then sweetly said,
“With those two wooden legs not a chance!”

There once was an old man from Ely
Who spoke to his wife in Swahili
For as she could speak
Only English and Greek
He could use it to swear at her freely

There once was a fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies
As the Puma had no sense of humour

Young Betty who sang in the choir
Had a voice that rose higher and higher
But it reached such a height
It went clear out of sight,
And was found the next day in the spire

There was an old widower Doyle
Who wrapped up his dead wife in foil
He thought it would please her
To stay in the freezer
Because if he didn’t she’d spoil

A girl who weighed many an ounce
Used language I dare not pronounce
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she’d bounce